yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
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I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
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He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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