I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
