Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
