i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
