But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My dick has a subreddit
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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