I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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