Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
