did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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