Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
