yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
There are leaves in my underwear?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
