The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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