Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
