my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
