you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
