obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
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As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
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The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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