did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
