They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
