1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
