I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
