I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I can't put those talents on a resume
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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