someone get that fucking seahorse.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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