i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
FUCK WHALES
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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