when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize