There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
