everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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