Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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