I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
