i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ttyl tear gas
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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