Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
