So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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