Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
