just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
