If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
