If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
