Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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