I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
