So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
