So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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