he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
