u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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