there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. ðŸ˜
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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