Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
