Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
