shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
