Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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