True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
