at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
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I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
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I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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