I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
