I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
