god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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