I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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