I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
