peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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